If you think spraying tanning a five-year-old is okay, then don't read this post! Stop, right now.
When I need writing ideas, all I have to do is turn on the television to get the juices flowing. So when I stumbled across TLC’s show Toddlers and Tiaras, my remote stopped and my mouth opened. What the heck was this? Was it real?
Are there really momsters (moms) out there who seriously validate themselves by parading and pimping their kids on national television?. Yes, yes, and yes.
These people are wacko, and I’m being nice.
It's a popular, reality based show which premiered in 2009 and now has two spin-offs, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo and Cheer Perfection.
So, of course, I got hooked on it. I mean, it’s like watching a train wreck. And it makes you feel really good about yourself as a mom, especially when you’d rather be writing than cook dinner for your family, not that I do that, of course...okay, maybe once or twice. So, I may suck at cooking, but hell would freeze over before I put my "little me" in a sailor’s outfit so she can clog to “I’m Bringing Sexy Back.”
In case you’ve missed this Academy Award winning show (not), then I complied a little list below of what I learned from watching Toddler and Tiaras. Enjoy.
What I learned:
- Those kids are whiny! What in the world is wrong with the children? Oh wait, it’s because crazy mom is stuffing them in an itchy costume and dragging them across the country so they can enter the ULTIMATE SUPREME beauty contest. Yes, they drive 865 miles in an old, beat-up car. They eat fast food and sleep in sleazy motels. But, hey, the cowboy gear she bought for her little one cost $1800 dollars, so it’s all good.
- Best Personality Winner actually sucks big time and some of the moms and contestants cry when they get it. If you’re fat or pimply or don’t have the required amount of skin showing, you’re a shoo-in for this dreaded award. You must run off the stage in tears, while your mother passes out in her seat from mortification.
- Sequins. You must have more, more, more, more. Think sparkle, think glamour, think porn star.
- Momsters are scary. I mean, scarier than Jason or Freddy Krueger.
- Smoking and padding bras are encouraged. Yes, this happened, I am not lying. One toddler was Sandy from Grease, so mom gave her a cigarette to puff on while she danced to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t the song. And yes, a mom, padded her little girl’s bra so she could sing a Dolly Parton song. I almost peed my pants at that one. No five-year-old needs a double D bust while she belts out “Nine to Five.” Really.
With all that aside, you gotta admit, this is some good stuff to write about. Glitz and drama and a future therapy session, people. I sense a bestseller!!
This month I’m watching Shark Week on Discovery. Wonder what ideas/lessons I’ll learn from it. Check back to see!
Oh, and just so you know...my new adult romance comes out in FOUR WEEKS! Check out my links below after the smoking toddler pic!!
Very Bad Things